Divorce is a heart-wrenching experience. Every one of us has been touched by it, either personally, through our parents, or through someone else who’s close. Even God has experienced divorce: In Jeremiah 3, God says he had to send Israel away with a certificate of divorce, because she was repeatedly unfaithful. He had to break his relationship with Israel because it just wasn’t healthy for anyone to continue it.
God knows better than anyone the kind of pain a divorce can cause. So when Jesus was asked a question about divorce, here’s how he replied:
“Haven’t you read that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matt 19:4-6)
Jesus is reminding us that every marriage is a God-ordained relationship (“what God has joined together”), that it’s an overriding relationship (“leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife”), and it’s a radically intimate relationship (“no longer two but one flesh”). That’s why it hurts so much when this relationship is broken. If two people become one flesh, then a divorce is like amputating half of your body.
Still, sometimes a divorce is the only option. Jesus says next:
“I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9)
One of the situations where divorce might be the only option is sexual immorality. Marriage is a covenant, and sex is how we sign the covenant. When you buy a house or sell a house, you’re entering into a covenant with another person. When someone has sex with a person who’s not their spouse, it’s like taking a fake ID to the escrow office and signing papers to sell a house that you don’t own. In that situation, divorce may be the only option.
Paul gives another possibility in 1 Corinthians 7:
“If the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved.”
This kind of separation could include not only physical abandonment but also unrepentant abuse or family-destroying addiction. A person can be emotionally and spiritually separated from his spouse, even if he’s still physically present in the home.
Those are the cases where the sin in the marriage is more destructive than the tragedy of divorce. But in every other case, God wants us to work toward reconciliation.
So what does all that have to do with dating after divorce? Before you start dating, you need to make sure that your divorce was biblically justified.
It could be that you were the guilty party, and you sinned against your husband or wife. Or maybe you’ve come to realize that you divorced them for an unbiblical reason, just because you didn’t feel like being together. If it’s possible, you need to make things right. If it’s possible, you need to reconcile with your spouse.
If the divorce wasn’t biblical and reconciliation isn’t possible, then dating and remarriage would fall under what Jesus called adultery. You are still married to your spouse positionally, if not practically.
If the divorce was biblically justified, you still need to make sure your heart is ready before you start dating. Maybe your spouse sinned against you in a radical way, and you still need to heal. It might have been years ago, but the wounds are still fresh. Half your body was amputated! So for a season, let Jesus be your spouse. Let him love you the way your husband or your wife never could.
Then, when the time is right, look for ways to build friendships with solid Christians of the opposite sex. Go on lots of group dates. When someone catches your interest, take it very slow. You’re carrying a lot of baggage, and you don’t want to drop that weight on someone else’s shoulders too quickly.
God uses pain and tragedy to give us hard-won wisdom. So don’t ignore warning signs in a potential relationship just because you’re desperate for companionship. Look for someone who will help you become more like Jesus every day, not just a warm body who will take up the empty space next to you.
Bring your brothers and sisters in Christ into your decision-making process. And stay desperately dependent on Christ through deep prayer and in-depth Bible study (a book like Proverbs will give you profound insights on practical topics like what kind of spouse to look for). Beg the Father to give you discernment, patience, and perseverance.