Many people in our culture believe we’re supposed to express our emotions, and it’s bad to keep them bottled up. That’s why we now have businesses like rage rooms, where you can unleash your anger by destroying old stuff.
Here’s the problem with that approach. When it comes to volatile emotions like anger, our emotions tend to feed on themselves. Proverbs 19:19 says, “A man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.” In other words, an angry person is probably going to get even more angry over time.
Anger is an addictive emotion. When you give in to your anger, it starts to feel good, and you want a little more. And just like every other addiction, it always takes a little more. The next time you get mad, you have to scream a little louder to get the same endorphine rush you got before.
When you express your anger, you’re tempted to express more anger. Because most of the things we get angry about come from our pride and selfishness and comfort and convenience.
So whenever you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself one question: “What am I angry about right now?” It’s probably not what you think you’re angry about.
My wife taught me that. A while ago we were in the car, going to meet some people for dinner. We were running late, and we got stuck at a left-hand-turn signal that only let two cars through for every green. It was green for about 5 seconds, and then red for 2 minutes.
We sat through four cycles of this signal, and still had at least two cycles to go before we could get through. With each cycle my blood is boiling more. Finally on the fifth cycle, I can’t take it anymore. I start yelling. “Are you kidding me? What are you thinking, only letting 2 cars through at a time? This is crazy!”
My wife looks over at me, and with a twinkle in her eye she asks, “Who are you yelling at?” I think for a moment. I can’t tell her I’m yelling at the signal. Only crazy people yell at inanimate objects, and I’m not crazy. So I say, “I’m mad at the guy who designed this signal.” And as the words are coming out of my mouth, I know that answer isn’t any better. Only crazy people yell at people who aren’t there.
But I soon realized, my wife was trying to get me to ask myself, “What am I really angry about?” So I had to think about it. “I’m angry because I’m late.” Why does that make me angry? “Because people are going to be waiting for us. Because we have reservations at a busy restaurant, and they won’t like it.” OK, but why am I late? “Because I didn’t leave early enough to make it there on time. I didn’t leave enough room in my schedule for traffic. Who would ever guess there might be traffic on Aloha Friday at 6pm?”
I shouldn’t be yelling at the signal or the guy who designed the signal. I should be yelling at myself! But I don’t want to do that, so instead I’ll yell at a little red light to cover over the fact that I failed to plan well, and to cover over the fact that I’m insecure about what people are going to think about me.
Proverbs 14:29 says … “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.”
Whenever I’m quick to anger, I’m showing the world what a fool I really am. Instead of being controlled by my emotions, I need to take control of my emotions!
Like Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” You bring yourself glory when you overlook an offense. When you don’t try to get even. When you don’t need to have the last word. When you don’t need to prove how right you are, and how wrong that person is.
Know why that’s so glorious? Because that’s exactly what Jesus did on the cross. Isaiah 53 says, “He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.” He didn’t try to get even with you for all your sin, he died to take the punishment for your sin, and he didn’t even say a word. He overlooked your offense in his love.
And that’s what can empower you to do the same to your wife, husband, kids, flaky coworkers, cranky neighbors, and everyone else. You can overlook other people’s offenses, because Jesus overlooked yours.
For more about dealing with anger and other common emotions with the grace of Jesus, I recommend Courtney Leissig’s book Teach Me To Feel, which explores all the emotions the Psalmists experienced.