Your husband made a big purchase without discussing it with you first. Your friend was talking about you behind your back. Your ministry teammate flaked on a big commitment. Again.

How will you respond? You’ll probably want to have a few words with them, right? But before you rush into a confrontation, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself, based on Paul’s words in Galatians 6:1, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

1. Am I doing this out of the Spirit, or out of my flesh?

Paul says when a brother or sister sins, “You who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.” Spiritual people are simply people who depend on the Holy Spirit. A few verses before this, Paul talks about walking in the flesh versus walking in the Spirit. When you feel like you need to confront someone, there’s a really good chance that you’re operating out of the flesh, not the Spirit.

He gives a list of the works of the flesh in Galatians 5, and they apply very well to this situation. Many times, we want to confront people out of “enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, or envy” (Galatians 5:20). Instead, we need to be operating out of the fruit of the Spirit: “Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” So before you march into this conversation, check your heart. Ask what your motivation really is.

2. What is my end-goal?

What are you trying to accomplish in this conversation? Paul says your end-goal should be restoration: “You who are spiritual should restore him.” Restore him to a healthy relationship with God. Restore unity to your relationship with each other. That’s the end-goal.

When we confront people, many times our end-goal is just to get them to stop annoying us. We just want them to conform to our personal preferences. If that’s true of you, you’re not ready to do this. Go back to step 1 and check your heart. This is all about restoration.

Say you go hiking in the Ko’olau’s with your buddy, and he wanders off the trail and accidentally steps on a wild-boar trap. His leg is a bloody mess. He’s yelling and screaming. When you run over to your friend, what’s your goal? Is it to get him to stop yelling? “You’re really annoying me.” No way! Your goal is get him out of the trap. Your goal is to get his leg fixed up so he can walk again.

The Greek word Paul uses for the word “restore” has the idea of making something straight again. Like an orthopedic surgeon makes a bone straight again. If your buddy’s bone is sticking out of his leg at a 90-degree angle, are you going to yell at him for going off the path? Are you going to walk away because his screaming is so embarrassing? Or are you going to try to get him back to safety so he can get his leg fixed? Our goal needs to be restoration.

3. How is my attitude?

You can pursue restoration, and still be a jerk about it. That’s why Paul says this needs to be done “in a spirit of gentleness.” That’s one of the fruit of the Spirit he lists just a few verses before this, and it’s essential to know what gentleness really is. It’s not the same as being a teddy-bear. Because with some people, you can be a teddy-bear while confronting them, and they’ll still feel like you cracked them over the head with a baseball bat. “That guy hates me!” With other people you can be a teddy-bear and they won’t hear a thing you said. “That guy wasn’t yelling at me, so whatever I’m doing must not be that bad.”

Being a teddy bear won’t really help anything, because that’s not what it means to be gentle. Being gentle means to be humble. It means to be selfless. It means to be self-forgetful. It means we can’t go at people with both guns blazing: “I can’t believe you did that to me. I would never do something like that!”

Gentleness means we’re going to go out of love and concern. We see someone trapped. We see their leg in a mangled mess, and we want to help. We want to get them out of the situation. We want to see them restored to health, restored to Christ, and restored to the family of God.

4. How patient can I be right now?

If I need to confront you, it doesn’t matter matter how humble and gentle I am. When I bring up something in your life that isn’t right, you’re probably going to be a little defensive about it. Especially if it’s gone on for a while. You’ve learned to live with this bone sticking out of your leg. You’ve cut holes in all your jeans so your bone can keep sticking out. You’ve actually grown to love that bone. It’s what makes you so unique! So when I come to you and point out your broken leg, you’re not going to like that. You’re going to say something like, “Who are you to talk to me about a broken leg? You’ve got unibrow! That’s way uglier than my leg!”

What am I going to do at that point? If I’m operating out of the flesh, I’m going to unload on you. I’ve been storing up ammunition over the years, and I’m going to unload all the ways you’ve offended me. All the ways you’ve failed me. All the ways you’ve disappointed me. Did you notice all those me’s? They’ve got nothing to do with restoring you. That’s not going to helpful at all.

[perfectpullquote align=”right” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””] I have no business confronting you unless I’m also ready to bless you. [/perfectpullquote]That’s why Paul says, “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” When you get defensive, I’ll be tempted to get defensive too. I need to be prepared for that. I need to be prepared to be patient, no matter what you say to me. I need to be prepared to be loving and kind, no matter how long this takes.

As Paul says in the next verse, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). That’s what this process is all about. I have no business confronting you unless I’m also ready to bless you. That’s how the “law of Christ” — the grace of Christ — will be displayed to the world.