In Part 1, we thought about two factors that have had a negative effect on our relationships: The rise of the self-esteem movement, and the rise of instant gratification. The self-esteem movement has made us think that people would always praise us just for being us. Just for doing what we do. That’s killed our relationships, because now I think my wife should give me a participation trophy every day, just for being me. Now I’m thinking to myself, “I didn’t get a trophy today! Why didn’t I get a trophy today?” Terrible.

The rise of instant gratification and on-demand technology has made us believe that we should be able to get everything we want, whenever we want it. And that’s really killed our relationships because now I’m impatient about everything. I think my kids should come out of the womb as fully formed adults. I’m like, “Why are you crying? You’re 6 months old already! Crying is for babies!” Self-esteem and instant gratification have been terrible for our relationships.

This week, we’re thinking about one more factor that’s killed our relationships. The rise of social media.

In the last few years social scientists have done studies on how we interact with Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and messaging apps like iMessage and WhatsApp. They’ve found that when we engage with social media, there’s a chemical called dopamine that gets released into our brains. Whenever you get a comment on your post … whenever you text someone and they ping you right back … whenever you get 50 likes on your picture … it feels good. That’s because you’re getting a little hit of dopamine.

There are other things that will give you a hit of dopamine. Alcohol. Nicotene. Drugs. Gambling. Pornography. All of these things release dopamine into your brain, and that’s why they feel good. And that’s why people get addicted to them. Most addictions are dopamine-based.

Guess what else releases dopamine? Relationships. Quality time spent with good friends and family. Spiritual activities like prayer, worship, Bible study, even listening to a sermon (although, to be fair, in the study the sermon was only 7 minutes long. That might explain it!) But the reality is that God physiologically designed us to find pleasure in relationships. He designed us to feel good when we have a relationship with him and relationships with other people.

But we’ve found a way to get that pleasure in other places. Alcohol, drugs, and now this little device that’s always in your pocket. It’s always ready whenever you need another hit. So now, whenever life is rough, instead of turning to a relationship you turn to your iPhone. You’re addicted to the dopamine hit.

And this addiction is only going to be worse in the future, because most serious addicts have their first encounter with alcohol, drugs, etc. in high school. That’s when they start to feel a dopamine-deficiency, usually because they’re not getting it in a healthy way through relationships. But they discover that drugs or alcohol will give them exactly what they need. That connection gets hardwired into their brain, so for the rest of their lives whenever they’re stressed, they don’t go to a person, they go to a pill or a bottle.

Now there’s an entire generation of people who are growing up with this new source of dopamine, and they can get a hit whenever they want. They’re interacting with it in high school or before, because social media doesn’t have age limits like alcohol does (at least not enforced like alcohol age limits are). So now, an entire generation is getting it hardwired into their brain.

When life is rough, they don’t need to find a person. They don’t need to find God. They just need to fire up Instagram. And so studies have shown that the youngest generations have the hardest time developing deep, meaningful relationships. Social media is slowly making us consumers of relationships, rather than pursuers of relationships. We’re passive rather than intentional.

Luck for us, the last few chapters of the book of Ruth form a crash course in relationship intentionality. We see Ruth and Boaz taking intentional steps to pursue and maintain a relationship. Ruth takes the initiative to dress up and go to the place where she’s certain to have a meaningful interaction with Boaz (chapter 3). Then Boaz takes the initiative to find the man who has a legal right to marry her, and shrewdly convinces him it’s not the best idea so he can marry her himself (chapter 4).

They’re showing us that people who are good at relationships take initiative in relationships. They don’t just sit around and wait for the people around them to take initiative. They don’t sit at home and wonder when somebody’s going to text them. They don’t sit around and wonder when their husband or wife is finally going to take the initiative to plan a date, or have a good talk, or even get intimate. If there’s something they’d like to see in a relationship, they just take the initiative!

Yes, God is absolutely sovereign over our relationships. He’s the one who brought Ruth and Boaz together, and he’s the one who brought you and your spouse (or will bring you and your future spouse) together. As Jesus said, “What God has joined together let no man separate.” But just because God’s the one who does it, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t use our actions
and attitudes as part of the process of bringing us together and keeping us together. It takes intentionality, planning, and strategy.

And there’s one thing that will spur your intentionality: seeing the intentionality of God. In the early part of the story, Ruth and Naomi felt abandoned by God. Naomi told people to stop calling her Naomi (“pleasant”) and start calling her Mara (“bitter”) because the Lord had dealt bitterly with her. They thought the Lord had forsaken them. But after they arrived in Bethlehem, and saw God working in the field of Boaz, they understood the Lord hadn’t abandoned them: “His kindness has not forsaken the living or the dead.”

The people who take initiative in relationships are the ones who see God’s hand in their relationships. If your relationship isn’t working, one reason could be that you’re not looking to see the way God is working. When you see God’s intentionality, it inspires greater intentionality in your own life.

Social media makes us consumers of relationships. God makes us pursuers of relationships.