We have more tools to connect with people than we’ve ever had before, but 45 percent of us are lonely (an all-time high). We have more marriage books and relationship counselors than any time in history, but our divorce rate remains stubbornly stuck between 40 and 50 percent. Why are we so terrible at relationships?

Two factors (plus a third I’ll talk about next week): the rise of the self-esteem movement and the rise of instant gratification.

The Rise of the Self-Esteem Movement

If you were born after 1965, you grew up in the self-esteem age. Before then, people believed in merit-based achievement. If you worked hard at something, then you could reap the rewards. But starting in the 70’s and 80’s, we started hearing that we could be whatever we wanted to be if we just believed in ourselves.

Our teachers gave us books to read like “I Am Special” and “I Love Me”. We started playing games where everybody wins. Our coaches started giving us “participation trophies” just for being us. Everybody just wanted us to feel good about ourselves, whether we had actually done anything good or not. Whether we actually were any good or not. Now we need people to keep telling us we’re good. Telling us we’re special.

And marketers are on to us. A few years ago, I got a letter in the mail, and the first few lines caught my eye: “Matthew Dirks, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile.” And I’m thinking, I’m not sure which profile that is, but I think people really should take a closer look at me. “After a careful review, it turns out you’re more special than any of us imagined!” Thank you! My mother has been saying that all along. I’m glad that more people can finally see that! “Matthew Dirks, did you know that you possess some very rare, hidden traits?” Actually, I did know that. I can make my tongue into a little taco. “Matthew, you are indeed blessed! I know those around you don’t know this yet, but they will!” All I can say is, it’s about time.

After that introduction, I couldn’t wait to read the rest of the letter. And after I read a few more pages (OK, OK, twelve more pages), it turns out I have just the right gifts to make millions of dollars investing in gold. That’s where they lost me. But obviously their little self-esteem boost is working if they keep sending these letters out.

We need people to keep telling us that we’re special. And if we don’t hear it enough, we don’t know what to do. If we don’t get enough likes on our posts, we just delete them. If we don’t get enough positive strokes from our family, we just ignore them. If we don’t get what we need out of our husband or wife, we just drift away from them, and we go find it somewhere else. Because we deserve to have our needs met. We’re special. The self-esteem movement has turned us into a bunch of narcissists, and that makes us terrible at relationships.

The Rise of Instant Gratification

I’m getting more and more used to getting things the moment I want them, and that’s thanks to the rise of on-demand technology. If I want to listen to music, I don’t need to go down to Tower Records, and see if they have the CD in stock. Apple Music already has it, and Siri can fire it up for me in about a second and half. If I want to watch a movie, I don’t need to look up the movie time in the Star-Bulletin, go down to the theater, and stand in line for tickets and popcorn. I can just stream it on Netflix. If I want to watch a TV show, I don’t need to wait a whole week for the next episode, it will just start automatically for me. If I want to go on vacation, I don’t need to save money for a year, I can just put it on a credit card and go now!

And so now, I just assume that everything in life should happen whenever I want it to. Aaaaand … that just doesn’t work in relationships. It takes time for anything really good, meaningful, and lasting to develop in a relationship. On top of that,  I’m not the only one deciding how a relationship’s going to go. So if it doesn’t go the way I want it to, when I want it to, then I get frustrated. And I drift. The rise of instant gratification has turned me (and millions of others) into impatient husbands, wives, and friends. It’s made us terrible at relationships.

The Gospel Solution

When Paul thought about narcissistic and impatient people like us, here’s what he said:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 2:3-5).

Christ Jesus is the most special person in the universe. If anyone should have good self-esteem, it’s him. But he doesn’t think about himself very much:

Though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:6-8)

Jesus did all of this because wanted to develop a relationship with you. And he knew that couldn’t happen overnight. There could be no instant gratification. No on-demand relationship.

He had to take the form of a servant. He had to come be born as a baby, and then grow up in a poor family. He had to minister for three years as a homeless guy, and then die on a cross. He had to rise from the grave, and then spend the rest of eternity as one of us.

Jesus is still human, and he’ll always be human. So he’ll always be in a relationship with us. There’s no self-esteem in that. No instant gratification in that. Jesus showed us radical generosity. Inexhaustible patience. Total self-forgetfulness. And because Paul says the mind of Christ is “yours,” you can do the same thing with the people around you.