When you were growing up, how often did you say to your parents, “I’ll never be this strict with my kids!” Kids have been saying that since the days of Cain and Abel. But we might be the first generation to actually follow through on our promises.

We don’t want to be our kids’ authorities, we want to be their friends. So I say “Hey buddy!” to my boys, and my wife says “Hey girlfriend!” to our girls. We don’t give commands to our kids, we give suggestions. “Wouldn’t you like to turn off the video games now? … No? … Are you sure?” And when our kids don’t go along with our suggestions, it’s not that they’re disobeying, it’s that they’re finding their individuality. They’re expressing their personality.

But maybe this is nothing new. After all, two thousand years ago Paul said “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (Col 3:20). He wouldn’t write it unless kids weren’t doing it.

I read a sermon on that verse by a pastor in Scotland named Alexander Maclaren. He said, “Our present domestic life seems to me to stand sorely in need of Paul’s injunction. You cannot but see that there is great laxity in this matter in many Christian households, in reaction perhaps from the too great severity of past times.” The funny thing is that he preached that sermon 150 years ago! I guess parents have always been pushovers.

Kids need to learn obedience, and not because we need to return to the good old days. Not because discipline in and of itself is good. Because, as Paul says, “this pleases the Lord.”

When our kids learn how to obey their earthly fathers and mothers, then they’re learning how to obey their heavenly father. Yes, God is a friend of sinners. He’s a friend to our kids, through the blood of Jesus. But he’s not their buddy. He’s not their co-pilot. He’s their creator and sustainer. He’s the king of the universe!

And so our kids need to learn how to obey God by obeying their parents. When we don’t give them too many rules to obey, we might think we’re being loving and kind. But we’re actually hurting them, not helping them. When we don’t hold them accountable to the rules we’ve set, we might think we’re being patient and gracious. But we’re actually hurting them even more. And not just their relationship with God — we’re even hurting their self-esteem.

A professor of psychology at the University of California studied 1738 middle-class boys over ten years, starting just before adolescence and ending just after adolescence. He did a series of tests to find which of the boys had the best self-esteem at the end of the study.

Here’s what he found: “The high-esteem group came from homes where parents had been significantly more strict in their approach to discipline. By contrast, the parents of the low-esteem group had created insecurity and dependence by their permissiveness. Their children were more likely to feel that the rules were not enforced because no one cared enough to get involved. Furthermore, the most successful and independent young men during the latter period of the study were found to have come from homes that demanded the strictest accountability and responsibility. And as could have been predicted, the family ties remained the strongest not in the wishy-washy homes but in the homes where discipline and self-control had been a way of life.”

Kids thrive with boundaries. They want to learn to obey. And so that’s why Paul says we need to teach them to obey … in everything. Not just the rules they feel like obeying. Not just the expectations that are easiest for them to obey, and they know they can slide on the rest.

Everything, because God demands our obedience in everything.

Fortunately, he is also gracious and forgiving when we fail to meet his high expectations. And we can imitate this too in our parenting, as Paul says: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col 3:21).

When we set high standards, and hold our kids accountable to those standards, then we don’t need to keep nagging them and putting them down when they fail to meet those standards. God demands perfection, but through the blood of Jesus he’s ready to forgive, love, and encourage us when we fail.

Your kids need more rules. And they also need more grace.