There’s a powerful observation in Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Death and life. Those are the only two options Proverbs gives us. Either we’re killing people with our words, or we’re giving them life. Nothing we say is simply neutral.
So how do we learn to give life? Proverbs 10 says, “The lips of the righteous feed many.” We give life by feeding and nourishing people with our words. Encouraging them and affirming them.
That’s hard to do, especially when it seems impossible to find something that should be affirmed in a person. But Paul gave us a great example of godly affirmation in his letter to the Corinthians. This was a church that got fall-down drunk at church potlucks, and didn’t want to share anything with each other (instead they took each other to court). This church had people sleeping with their step-mothers, and bragging about it.
Paul knew all that, but look at how he began his letter to them:
I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge— even as the testimony about Christ was confirmed among you— so that you are not lacking in any gift, as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Cor 1:4-8)
They are enriched in all speech and all knowledge? Not lacking in any gift? Guiltless in the day of the Lord? Apparently so, “because of the grace of God that was given you.” Even the worst hooligans in the world have some level of God’s grace on them (the rain falls on the just and the unjust), and so we can encourage people in that. We can look for evidence of God’s grace in people’s lives, and affirm what we see.
If you’re not too sure how to do that, Sam Crabtree’s got your back. He’s a pastor in Minneapolis who wrote a great book called Practicing Affirmation. He gives 100 idea for encouragement, and here are just a few:
- IN YOUR HOUSE: When someone asks you to do something, consider saying something like, “Nothing would make me more happy right now than doing this for you.”
- Don’t just put your kids’ work up on the refrigerator door … comment on some aspect of character that was demonstrated in the work— attention to detail, creative use of materials, generosity in sharing the work, etc.
- AT WORK: If you’re leading a meeting, before moving on to the next agenda item, stop to commend those who worked on the previous item.
- Quote someone positively in their presence.“I agree with Jacob here, who said . . .”
- When an idea or proposal is slowed down by someone who is expressing misgivings, express appreciation for the cautiousness, even if you’re not persuaded by his arguments.
- AT CHURCH: Write a Bible verse on a note card to someone, and say, “I think you do better at this than I do.”
- Encourage a self-sacrificing mother for her loyalty to her children’s welfare.
- Do you see someone who is good at welcoming others, inviting them to share in activities, meals, lodging, etc.? Affirm the hospitality.
Proverbs 25 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” A word that’s fit for the person. Fit for the moment. Fit for the way you see God working in that person’s life, not just a mindless cliche that you say to everyone, all the time. There’s nothing encouraging about that!
If you can specifically encourage someone in a creative way for something unique you see in them, then it’s like apples made of gold in a setting of silver. Your words can be a beautifully-crafted piece of art that’s made with the finest materials, presented in just the right setting to make it even more beautiful and valuable.
That’s how you give life with your lips.