In Sunday’s sermon I covered Ephesians 6:4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I confessed seven ways I’ve provoked my own kids to anger in the past. With enough time, I could probably think of 70 more.
- (the most obvious one) By getting angry
When I get upset over little things (like the mess they’ve made in the car – see Mom My Ride for a visual aid), that makes them upset. It’s a simple equation. - By saying, “We’ll see,” or even worse, “Ask your mother.”
I couldn’t stand it when my parents said it, so why am I saying the same thing to my kids? Know what it’s really saying? – “I don’t care enough about you or your question to make a decision, so I’m going to blow you off and hope I don’t have to deal with it.” And they know it. They can see right through it. - By setting arbitrary rules
These are rules I lay down just for my own convenience, not because they help my kids become more like Jesus. “No legos allowed outside of your bedroom.” Just because I happened to step on one in the middle of the night, I’m going to kill my kids’ creativity for my own comfort. - By not enforcing helpful rules
If I don’t expend the energy to enforce them, then it tells my kids that the rules are optional. Then they start stretching them and ignoring them, then I get mad, and then we’re back to #1 - By giving in to all their wishes
A while ago Cyndi was on the mainland for the weekend, so I decided I was going to do everything my kids wanted to do the whole weekend.We went to the movies, then had McDonald’s for dinner, and shave ice for dessert, and then came home and watched another movie. And that was just the first day. The second day, we did 10 more things they wanted to do. At the end of the weekend, I thought they would be so appreciative. Instead, I had the most whiny bunch of kids in the world, because they were used to having all their wishes fulfilled. I was just feeding their sense of entitlement, and I reaped what I sowed. - By criticizing them more than I praise them
Or just giving them halfhearted praise. Saying, “yeah – sure, nice paper airplane,” without ever taking my eyes off the computer screen. - By refusing to own up to my mistakes
Kids are experts at spotting hypocrisy. In our house, we don’t say the word “stupid,” but sometimes I slip. I can either say, “It’s OK for daddy to say it, because grownups know how to use the word without hurting people, but it’s not OK for you” or I can say, “You’re right, daddy made a mistake. I’ll try hard not to do it again.” I like the way Howard Hendricks put it: “Children are not looking for perfect parents, but they are looking for honest parents.”