As you should know, Black Friday is the most hallowed holy day of our Religion of More Stuff. It marks the beginning of our 30-day Feast of Consumption, which has its origins in an ancient and largely forgotten holiday marking the birth an obscure Jewish baby.
During this year’s celebration, worshipers who had suffered in the recent anti-consumeristic persecution known as the Financial Crisis were whipped into a spiritual frenzy at a local temple, inspired by the promises found in our sacred texts, The Black Friday Ads.
Glass doors and a 34-year-old temporary maintenance worker stood between them and the inner sanctuary of the temple where the deity offered half-price George Foreman grills and Hannah Montana dolls.
Desperate to be blessed, the people broke the doors down and killed the temp worker:
“He was bum-rushed by 200 people,” co-worker Jimmy Overby, 43, told the Daily News. “They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too. … I literally had to fight people off my back.”
After killing the man, the crowd continued its devoted worship. They rushed into the temple, received their gifts, and took their offerings to be consecrated by the high priests at the checkout stands.
Lord Jesus, please save us from our celebration of your birth.